hello coping skill!
well i saw amelia the other day(therapist) and she thinks im on a good track im going through life happy. im pretty proud of myself because i have stopped worrying about everyone else. they dont matter to me and they really dont affect my life. well i got distracted and cant write anything else later guys!

rant (with important message)

So my grandma and her new boyfriend are over here and we are all supposed to be meeting him. I am on the computer and the boys(chaz,marc,and lil chaz) are off in a different room playing xbox. I have realized that i have a very anti social family. i have no problem with that though im not really into meeting new people in my families lives. but i love meeting random people and creating new bonds with them. it's not like i trust those people with dark secrets or anything i just think its nice to meet someone new every once in a while.
i opened this web page not really knowing what i was going to write, i guess ill just rant because no one really reads this anyway its really a form of coping a new therapy skill that im trying to put to good use. ive been feeling pretty good the only times that i am down are when i feel sick or have a headache or something. my life has been going pretty well i dont have a lot of drama and everyone around me seems to be doing well.
this is my own personal journal lol.
i dont know what to do with myself..
another thing is that i have stopped worrying about relationships and love and all that. yes i do participate in cynicism but its all in good fun. love is a beautiful thing and should never be squandered. its nothing to play with though. like people using the word lightly or all willy nilly. its important and helps to hold people together. my message is basically to think hard and long before you even think of using those three words. because when you say them they will mean the world to the person you said it to..

time for an update

-yesterday was christmas and it was an eventful day
-i got a new phone, a book, and other stuff
-gave a friend a present
-met new people
-watched precious
-hung with my sister, my nephew, and her boyfriend
-talked to a bunch of friends
-got fussed out
-put up a little food
-watched stepbrothers
-ready for bed

short dumb poem

i can't wait to be realeased
from this prison that is my home
can i really claim my hometown?
without mind vomit
sorry for the visual
i want to leave and be free
even under their company

i have finally finished my short story NO MORE if you want to read it go to http://thisstoryistold.blogspot.com/ and ill probably put it on here full length

lovers

so..i remember that day. do you? you know when you took my hand and walked with me? oh...you..well i guess you don't remember. wow i really thought you would. i mean it was pretty special to me. i could barely breath with your hand on mine. oh and then we kissed i swear i went into shock from the power radiating from your lips. so soft and perfect. i just want to feel them again...how they rubbed against my neck parted and kiss me..tinged with coldness from the ice water you just drank...sending shivers down my spine. but the heat burning inside burned away the cold. i envisioned us entwined in a lover's embrace. hearts and breath perfectly in tune..as we became one..yearning to be even closer, my hand finds yours and everything seems clearer...i knew we were meant to be two star crossed lovers that could never be torn apart distance nor death could remove your heart from mine or vice versa. this was his will and who are we to ignore it. quietly we reached the point of no return and in silence we wept our tears of happiness

attention!!

i have come to the realization that i have no tolerance for stupid, loud, ignorant people. they do not have my respect and never will. if you come to me with that bullshit i will either fuss you out or punch you in the fucking face.
I'm not angry right now but i felt that that needed to be said.

cassie

to the outside world her willingness is apparant and her weakness is known. she tries to hide behind a head held high but everyone could see the sadness and heartbreak within her fragile body. she was just aching for someone to come save her from the nightmare that was her life. she felt abandoned like no one knew her..even though she was transparent and people could see through to her very soul.
but when they looked inside it was barren. feelings retracted and buried under behind a wall a thousand feet high. no one could get over it but all could see through. no one understood why she didnt let anyone in..what was the point of keeping others out when you wore youre emotions and thoughts very clearly?
anyone with the right tools could pinpoint how she was feeling and once they did she pulled back. warned them that it wasnt safe, she knew that she was dangerous and that anyone that got close would experience something terrible. she couldn't hurt anyone else, she just couldn't repeat the things that had already happened when she kill someone with their emoitions...

dreaded writer's block

ok so i have been trying to write a poem or a story for a while now...but i just can't. either i have terrible ideas or no ideas at all. i feel so unimaginative and just crappy (well not really but the writer in me does). i just wanna write. i want the words and conversations to flow out of me. but i dont want another love story or tragic life turned good. it's all so predictable i want something new and exciting. and just utterly amazing. does anyone have any ideas? i would love to hear them and yeah..im begging for help here people!

It's time...

So I have come to the conclusion that it is time. It's time to stop all of this foolishness, it isn't getting me anywhere. I need to start taking care of myself and stop letting my emotions get to me. When I do that it doesn't help anything, so it is time. Time for me to take responsibility for my actions and to do better. I am sorry to all those i have hurt and worried with my actions. I hope you all forgive me.

turkey day

So tomorrow is the day where we celebrate the demise of the native american population. and how do we do it? we stuff our mouths with fattening food and watch football! well at least some of us do...me? i have never really like thanksgiving. im not all for family togetherness it only leads to loud awkward conversations that i dont want to be apart of. so tomorrow ill probably be sitting in my room hiding out and texting shawnda or anyone else that wants to talk to me. i might go to my grandmothers house and connect with other family members. but ill mostly be by myself which isnt really that big of a problem. umm i advise people with cars and such to hit me up and we can have a blast together lol. so happy turkey day!!

IM NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!

ok so. i still have my inner child and it is in the form of CHOWDER!! i love this show sooo freaking much it is hilarious! and i think chowder is the cutest thing i have ever seen!! i love the art too and how the patterns move along with the character. it is like the best show ever!! if i was in it i would definitely be chowder...or shnitzel or panini hee hee!! whooo!

yeah...

so...im just thinking about everything. my life is going pretty good and i feel almost normal. i told Dr.levy that i would talk to someone and make sure everything is ok. but now that i think about it...i dont want to...im scared and i think my problems arent important..plus things will be changing soon soo why bother? all i really want to do is write and what's depressing is that i have no one in my head...they dont have any stories to tell. i want to get away from my depressing genre of abuse and mental disorders and shitty relationship. but i suck at science fiction and fantasy. maybe i could do a yu+me kinda thing..with dream love and everything. but i dont know how to do that. i need my muse..but grr its so annoying. i sit in school and try to concentrate but my hands want to write. my many thoughts want to express themselves on the canvas that is notebook paper. i tried to force dayrn to let me in but things didnt go to well...he keeps blacking out and i just cant get to him. jesse and devon (i think i favor d and j names) they are just way too happy so involved in each other. there is nothing to tell. basically they made up and are just together. devon hasnt even thought about her abusive past. things are going great for her.who else is there? johnathan and rachel? well tey are in heaven happy and forever soul mates. i do want to use pictures and photo shop to express their story in a different way but i have to wait to do that. um some other characters that i had just disappeared and i miss them so much. i feel bad that their stories are left unfinished. i just wish someone new would come along with something happy to talk about and with a good sense of life and love.

she's fighting...she wont let go...LET GO!!! stop making a fool out of yourself. you look stupid. ha! now your crying..your so weak...your to blame for everything. SHUT UP!! your whimpering will get you nowhere. cant you see no one gives a shit about you. you don't matter your nothing. even when you thought you were something..you weren't you will always be a nothing. and no one will ever care about you. you still crying...stop acting like a little bitch. stand up on your on two feet and make something out of yourself. stop wallowing in self pity and stop caring about others. FUCK THEM!! they aren't going to pick you up when your down. you only have yourself..no one else matters. its all about you. fuck the world love yourself..

future tattoos

TREBLE BASS CLEFT HEART SHOWS HOW MUCH MUSIC INFLUENCES MY LIFE AND HOW MUCH I LOVE IT I DON'T THINK I COULD LIVE WITHOUT MUSIC. IT BRIGHTENS MY DAY HELPS ME TO BE CREATIVE AND LETS ME LET GO OF ALL MY PRESSURES.

THE NAUTICAL STAR IS A SYMBOL OF BEING ON THE RIGHT PATH IN LIFE. IT CAN ALSO BE SAID AS SOMETHING USED FOR PROTECTION. I LIKE THE SYMBOLISM IN THE NAUTICAL STAR.

THE PENTAGRAM IS A WICCA SYMBOL BUT IT STANDS FOR THE FIVE ELEMENT AIR EARTH FIRE WATER AND SPIRIT. I FEEL THAT ALL OF THOSE THINGS GREATLY INFLUENCE OUR LIVES AND I WANT TO REPRESENT THEM ON MY BODY. (i am not wiccan but i respect their religion)

THE BARBED WIRE SHOWS STRUGGLE AND NOT HAVING FREEDOM. PLUS I THINK IT LOOKS AWESOME I HAVEN'T DECIDED IF I WANT IT IN A RAINBOW YET BUT THAT IS A POSSIBILITY.

really?

i found the most disgusting thing ever. its called www.godhatesfags.com. ARE YOU SERIOUS?! i really cant believe that. i mean i know people suck but really? i know that the internet is a place to express yourself and your opnion but thats just disgusting. those "christians" should be ashamed of themselves. i wanted to cry seeing all their bullshit they protest high schools because of gsa's? what is wrong with you people you seriously need help and to learn how to be a better christisn assholes.

gender

ok so i dont think i'll ever really decide between boy or girl. im obviously not that comfortable being a "girl" and i feel a lot better when people recognize me as a boy. makes jay very happy. anyway so i guess you could call me genderqueer especially with the clothing choices i make..nah just playing. gender is all about how you feel inside not what in between your legs. i mean really its an insignificant piece of skin not that important.
sometimes i want to have people confused like asking in their minds "what is it?" but then again people would actually ask and i'd reply "does it matter?" i wanna pass as johnathan though cause he is a sexy beast. i dont wanna put everything in little boxes but i would rather be with a person like myself because first they would get me and second its sexy a fuck.
im getting tired now and can't really think that much i'll update this convo later and really get into the whole gender crisis thing. peace out homedogs!!

good news

so my life is going pretty well right now. i dont know what changed but im glad it did. i guess when i talked to one of my friends about some stuff it just made everything better. so essentially im happy, im having fun at school (even though people do hate me) and im doing well in my grades. im proud of myself and even though i miss my best buddy its ok cause we still talk and im def not going to let us drift apart. that would be ridiculous. i just wanted to update my little journal cause this is basically what this blog is for me. i use it to get out certain things and just as something to do when im bored. my nephew is being so loud so im gonna go play with him and end this here. adios

samhain

ok so im interested in this whole thing..im sitting here on Halloween night searching the internet to learn more about this celebrated holiday. reading all the fictional freaky books i do, ive heard about samhain the witches new years but i wanted to know more. so i went to my friend google and typed in samhain..one sight connected the holiday to wiccan's and roman people..ive always been interested in the wiccan religion so i went to my favorite sight ever. religious tolerance.org!!! im going to post a little of what they say on here so i dont have to reiterate it in my own stupid words.

Wicca differs from many other religions by its emphasis on: The feminine as being at least as important as the masculine,
The importance of preserving the environment,
Moral behavior as determined largely by the individual,
Positive attitudes towards human sexuality as a gift of the Goddess, and
The passage of the seasons.

A follower of Wicca is called a Wiccan. Wicca and other Neopagan religions are currently experiencing a rapid growth in the U.S., Canada, and Europe. In the U.S., the number of Wiccans is doubling about every 18 months. Growth is particularly obvious among some teenagers, who are rejecting what they feel is the autocracy, paternalism, sexism, homophobia, and insensitivity to the environment that forms part of the conservative wings of some of the larger religions. Many North Americans of European descent, who are keen to discover their ancestral heritage, are also attracted to this religion.

interesting huh? i like everything about this religion. basically everyone is equal and you respect the earth that takes care of you..very enlightening right? am i going to convert or try to convert others? probably not but i will look into it alot more. i really want to study different religions when i get into college. in doing that i'll get an insight to other people and be able to have an even more tolerant approach.

now back to wicca..people think of it as evil and think that these people are practicing spells to harm and are just crazy chicks with stinky amulets...well....
"Spells are not about turning people into frogs or granting wishes. A spell is a set of actions and prayers that you do and say in order to ask for divine help with some particular aspect of your life." Mnemosyne's Realm
does that change your mind a little?

i looked up on how to become wiccan and its a lot of looking inside yourself. seeing if its right for you. the religion itself is about how you feel and doing what's right for you. i like that thinking. there is no set rules "you do that your evil" or "dont act that way or your going to hell" thats just way to stressful....yeah i kinda want to end this here and come back to this subject when i know more so that's what i will do..peace

what's funny

you know what's funny? i always start a blog asking what's wrong with me? as though i haven't figured out yet...well i really haven't....i kinda just give up..i'm trying to live my life and take the little moments that make me happy and stretch them out to last a while. my living situation isn't horrible...but i kinda wish i wasn't here..but i don't really want to go anywhere else...except away to college where i'll be busy..the thing that sucks the most is that my family doesn't understand me at all. and i kind of gave up on trying to help them to understand..i used to talk to my mom a lot about stuff but now? i keep quiet in car rides and go off into another world...it seems rude but i just have nothing to say. her opinions don't matter to me i honestly don't really care what she thinks of me.
my sister? well i update her on certain things but i have never really confided in her. i don't have the balls to do it. we keep away from each other mostly and just joke around. she's like and annoying "friend" that you see everyday and can't really get rid of. my step-dad..he's never here..and im not comfortable about talking to him...grandma? i don't like her at all so she gets nothing from me. i think its sad that i don't express myself with my family..but what's the point when they don't get it or care to anyway? i'd rather talk to austyn..he gets me..he knows where i'm coming from..he is the only one that can truly make me feel good...i talk about him a lot in this blog...why wouldn't i? he is amazing and i thank god for letting me meet him and get to know him. he has truly changed my life for the better and i hope we can be best friends forever(so gay)anyway..he knows how i feel about him and if he doesn't just read all my past posts to find out..i don't know how many times i've said i love him on here..but i'll end this know before it gets too long...

scream in my ear baby

so...im listening to songs..and i feel like if anyone normal listened to what i listen to their ears would bleed. but me? well i find it very comforting. i like otep and her contrast from soft to just death right in your ears. i like how slipknot doesn't give a shit. and well just everything hard and loud. im sorry that sounds weird but its how i feel. when im down i just blast that shit and feel my heart lifting. i tried to write my own songs but i cant sing or scream. also they seem depressing as fuck but hey im just letting stuff out putting it into word that sound good.
i feel the bass radiate through my head to my heart. my head bangs along and in my mind im just a part of the act. omg people = shit is playing and im loving it.. i get the lyrics out so i know everything im hearing and then i can just sing along...well not really cause if i cursed out loud in here i'd get in trouble..
Kittie is pretty cool too...i love hearing girls scream like a man it sooo damn sexy...um anyway i have a little plan for my whole piercing thing...im gonna blackmail my dad either around Christmas or my birthday. i want to get my tongue and bottom lip done. i think i'll look fucking hot..well i guess we'll see what happens i can;t wait. now let me enjoy my heavy metal in piece.

music&me

you know when you have a song stuck in your head all day. the whole song never plays..well not for me. it's like my brain puts the one most annoying part on repeat. but its the part i absolutely love...idk right now funhouse by pink is stuck in my head and the part that's repeating is "I'm crawling through the doggy door, my key don't fit my lock no more, I'll change the drapes I'll break the plates...I'll find a new place. burn this sucker down." and yeah. so that keeps repeating and i wish i could sing. sometimes i want to sing like pink other times i want to scream like otep. or have that just male tone. i wish i could just change everything become a different person whenever i wanted. then I'd be a very happy person....i could be whoever and whatever i wanted to be. that sounds like a big batch of freedom to me.

i found you

The everyday monotony has broken...because well i found you. i see inside the deepest things anyone has. your eyes opened up mine to a new world. a world full of beauty and no judgement. you care you love and i open myself to it. i couldn't hate you and i never would. finding you sitting in the background no one realizes that your a whole different person when they look past the flesh. but who would want to when that flesh is so tempting so soft so amazing. jolts of electricity find my fingertips as i long to touch that flesh that releases the pain. that longing that feeling that thing i cant put my finger on. but i need to i really want to. i don't mean to be confusing. there's a presence in my mind and i think its you or us combined. something so amazing and...handsome..or beautiful...or just everything. i feel at peace nothing torments my sleeping soul. no hate no anger..just peace. and i will remain that way because..well i found you...

AAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

GOD I JUST FEEL LIKE SCREAMING!!!! im trapped im trapped and i need someone to release me. i really cant do this anymore sitting back in jealously. dude i dont even know what the hell im talking about. i just know that im so confused and the mind is a powerful thing. it will trick you if you let it and that what im doing. it's like someone is whispering terrible things to me. and i can't remove them from my shoulder. i try and try to ignore this person but again they just keep whispering. trying to convert me to believe them and trust them with my sanity. but if i do that then ill fall into the trap like last time. im not going back there. i cant do it i dont wanna hit rock bottom again. im in an amazing place in my life someone loves me and cares. they are there for me when they can be and i do the same for them. we communicate and dont keep secrets. its not perfect but i wouldn't trade our relationship for anything in the world. i really wouldn't i just want happiness for both parties and i hope that that means we get to stay together if not then yeah...lets change the subject. im getting lost in this blog writing something new every chance i get. i cant stop its like the second best release ive ever had. i cant help it.. getting these thoughts out stops them from running around in my head. i dont have to think as much i can just relax and try to catch those little seconds when i can have a conversation with my love. yeah i said it like that and i honestly dont give a flying fuck what anyone thinks. its me and him and that all that matters. peace

ok...

umm i seem a little dramatic dont you think. sorry i just like acting stuff out in my head. i saw that whole things. gosh there are so mant ideas in this head. they want to be free to roam about and let the world know they exsit...sorry little ideas but sometimes your kinda impossible but i try i try really hard. i have this idea that keeps flashing in my mind..its just a piture of a girl int the dark screaming but the way it looks in y head it speaks so loudly. i dont know who owuld let me take a pic of them naked wild hair screaming.. anyone? plus i dont even have a camara...anyone wanne give me one of those? im such a begger i need a job but yeah its hard to find one when everyone else is looking for one too...im also looking for money for college..now that scares me its something i want so badly that i feel like it wont happen. but im working my but off so it does. i need this and i want this. i will lie steal cheat anything to reach this goal. ok well i probably won't go to that extreme but you never know. ok anthor thing about the picture, she is in a corner huddled and covering all the naughty bits..then she starts attacking in the next pic. sorry its lik a freaking slideshow in here. ive been trying to write more about daryn but he has dissappeared..if anyone sees him beg him to come back to me. devon and jesse they are too into their problems and i cant help right now so no more is on hold for the moment. i can tell you that jesse is extremely hurt but she isnt going anywhere.
i kinda wanted to start something new but no one has inroduced themselves. they dont really want their business in the streets and i can understand that. i mean who would? omg i just realized that this is a wonderful way for me to clear my mind! yay me i have so moan y spellung mistakes in here but you people know what i mean..well i hope. oh snap! i need to take my meds..i did yay me! so know i should do some real work. but jaden keeps distracting me he's so cute but bad as all get out. im soo weird but i love it. so ill talk to this blog later PEACE BITCHES!!!

hey this is johnathan. whats up? im just sitting here listening to music on pandora and thinking. has anyone just sat and thought? lets those thoughts pour out of them into words. words that only some people can understand. well if they try to...sometimes you cant really get all those things out and sometime it spills out like water from and overflowing cup. me? well i have problems..ill admit that..and only that. you never know what type of people read this posts...so im going to be careful keep my thoughts in this little brain. lock up the feelings and keep them there. some would say thats not the best thing but hey they dont know me.. sometimes it seems like they never will. crap i let something out i need to stop before i talk about love. i wanna be a man i end up being a wuss.. NO! stop im not letting these things out no one can help me no one would want to. maybe i should stop typing but i feel as if im not in control of my fingers they moved so fast on the keyboard. slipknot blaring my ears telling me to be a man but i cant i wasnt born that way! STOP! i cant stop these thoughts!!!

always loving

im always loving you..your continously on my mind..always making me smile even when i want to cry...im always loving you..fantazing about all the naughty things you do..my hearts beats and my hands shake..baby no matter what im always loving you..do what you want but im not leaving cause like i said im always always forever loving you.

school

so school starts tomorrow...and im not all that excited about it. i have this really bad feeling about going back to school. plus i just want high school to be over with , one main reason is that im getting really tired of being here. i want and really need freedom i feel like i trapped in a box and everyone surrounding the box doesn't care. well they care but i dont know. i have started taking my meds again because im trying to take responsibility for myself. plus i need to start to take care of myself so i am allowed to go away to college. i really really miss my boifriend and thats another reason why i want this year to go by fast. the summer was ok but i just want to go to school and get my senior year over with. but im going to need help i procrastinate and get distracted so all the people out there that care please keep me focused and kick my ass when i need it. i would appreciate that, also please be understanding and tolerant of everyone i do not need and drama this year. its my senior year and i want it to be great so if you got shit you want to say to me say it and get it over with. if you dont like me i really dont care. if you dont approve of my lifestyle you dont have to cause its my life. but you need to know that im still the same person you first met just cooler. just be cool and let me know whats going on. class of 2010!

Daryn

"What's wrong?" Jo asked shaking my shoulder.

"Oh..uh nothing I'm fine." I ran my fingers over my short curly hair.

"Dude your lying." Jo fluffed my hair and walked away. I felt like crying but that wasn't possible. I couldn't show weakness,I had to be strong.

"Daryn! Come on let's go." laughing at Jo i stood up and walked across the street. "Omg Daryn! check out that hottie in the black shorts."

"Jo stop staring, people are going to start calling the police on your horny ass." Jo laughed but kept staring.

"Man i need a sexy special someone."

"Yeah don't we all." I sighed and walked into the store for some blacks.

"Daryn you really should stop smoking."

"Why? I only do it every once in a while,only when I'm stressed."

"Which is all the fucking time. Do something productive, like writing or working out."

"Whatever man." I lite up and walked away puffing happily

Jo didn't like to be around me when i smoked. Something about not anting to die from extreme smoke inhalation. It was ok though, I liked having time to myself. I got to reflect on all the shit that stresses me out. Like the odd look the cashier gave me at the store. But i guess i should be used to that. He was even more surprised when i opened my mouth and began to speak but whatever.

I found a quiet spot in the woods to sit and smoke. i took out my mp3 player and started blasting some heavy metal. "If only i had some weed. Then it would be a party." sitting there listening to music made the others show up. I was in a good mood so i politely said hi to each. The heavy metal excited Jacob and Stacy. They started singing along and rocking out pissing off everyone else.

"Damn! Daryn turn that shit off. Jacob and Stacy are acting like fucking idiots." Brian said. Stacy gave Brian the evil eye and turned the music up louder.

"Yeah Stacy fuck the system!" Jacob yelled banging his head and dancing happily. Brian sighed and tried to have an intelligent conversation with Don. They got frustrated when they couldn't completely block out the music.

"We'll just talk later. Bye Daryn." They said in unison leaving Jacob and Stacy.

"Daryn! Come on man don't let them ruin our fun!" Stacy said.

"Yeah." Jacob sat next to me and patted my shoulder,"Where's the weed dude?"

"I don't have any." They gasped and stared at me.

"Why not?" Stacy asked.

"Cause i didn't buy any. Plus i was hanging out with Jo today."

"Eww,why?Jo is so fucking boring."

"Yeah you should hang with us more." Jacob said.

"Jacob I'm not trying to get high and party everyday. I got shit to deal with." Stacy groaned ."Shit! Lets go Jacob. Daryn's getting serous...party's over." They left me as my mood came crashing down. I turned off they music and threw the speaker.

My cell phone vibrated in my pocket. It was my mom,probably calling about my meds.

"Yes?"

"Where are you?" she asked quietly.

"I'm in the woods."

"What?! ugh never mind. just get your ass back here now."

"Yeah ok mom." I hung up and flicked the black further into the woods. I picked up the speaker and left the woods walking home.

"Hey Jo."

"Hey Daryn, mom's drunk?"

"Yep, she orders me to come home to take care of her." "Yeah well I'll help you out if you need it."

"Jo you weren't even there when Jacob and Stacy were pissing me off." i shook my head"You always show up when things are fucked up but you never help out. Just leave me alone!" I walked away but i could still feel Jo hanging around like a fucking tumor.

I got home and slammed the door trying to get rid of Jo.

"Daryn! Come here!" my mom yelled from her room.I peeked my head into her room and was disgusted by what i saw.

"Daryn this is Toby. Now I need you to clean up all this shit." she pointed to the empty bottles on the bed and floor.

"And you need me to do this now? While your fucking some stranger?" she got out of her bed and slapped me.

"You do what i ask when i ask. I don't need to hear your judgemental bullshit. Now clean up." Jo was right behind me saying everything was ok. I thought that Jo should shut the fuck up and go away.

After i cleaned her room trying to block out the moans i walked out and closed her door.

"Daryn!" she called

"What?!" I screamed.

"Don't yell at me, you have an appointment tomorrow at 12:00. If you miss it your ass isn't leaving this house ever."

"Alright."

"Everyone go away!" I slammed my door and screamed into my pillow.

"Calm down Daryn." Brian said "We're here to help."

"Fuck you!" I screamed. Jo lay next to me and started to rub my back.

"Everything is ok we are all here fr you."

"No! You all are the ones causing the problems."

"Dude you know that's not true." Jacob said. I couldn't take it anymore, each one was talking getting louder clouding my mind. I took out my knife and started cutting. With each gash another voice left me. I lay there arms bleeding head aching.

"Daryn...I'm still here for you." Jo said quietly. No matter what i did i could never get rid of Jo. Jo has always been there always.

"Good morning sunshine."

"Fuck you Jo."

"That wasn't very nice."

"Well i don't really give a shit."

"Hey don't forget to take your meds."

"It's not like they do anything anyway."

"Don't argue just take them."

"Did I say 'Fuck you Jo' already?"

"Yes you did."

"Ok well just let that replay in your mind over and over again so i don't waste my breath." I left Jo in my room while I showered and got ready for the day. But the quiet time never lasted long.

"Daryn?"

"Grr...yes Jo?"

"Please take your medicine.: I cursed under my breath and nodded my head. I took the many medications and made sure Jo knew about it.

Careless whisper started playing in my head which made me think of Amber. I hadn't talked to her in a while and i kinda missed it. But ever since I got out of the hospital she never came around. I think I got rid of her permanently When I tried to slit my throat. I rubbed the scar on my neck and started to hum careless whisper. It was Amber's favorite song, so it used to always play in the back of my mind.

I couldn't stop thinking about her, Amber was around before Jo. I really did miss her and her soft soothing voice.

"I want her back!" I yelled.

"Amber is not coming back Daryn." Jo said calmly. I looked in the mirror and saw the tear before I felt it. My hand made contact with the glass. Little pieces fell into the sink. The blood trailed down to the cuts on my arm.

"Make sure you clean that up. You don't need an infection." Jo said.

"Omg! Do you ever just shut the fuck up?!"

"I guess not."

I cleaned up and took a walk blasting music into my ears to drown out the noise.

"Sorry to interrupt but it's almost 12:00. You have a doctor's appointment." Ash said. Ash was polite and quiet so i always listened. Ash didn't annoy me like the others.

"Did Jo tell you to remind me?"

"Yes." i sighed deeply.

"ok I'll go to my appointment."

"Thank you Daryn."

"No problem Ash."

off the top of my head

ok so i haven't really expressed myself in a while. its not my fault that i don't have a computer anymore. i miss typing and searching for random things on the Internet. i miss myspace and i tried facebook but i decided ill wait till i get to college since that's the whole point of facebook.
well life is treating me well and i haven't really had any problems lately. i wish i could get out more to see a special someone because i miss them like crazy. but i know i should just get used to it since they are leaving really really soon. it'll be hard but i think i have to try my best to be strong. i don't want them to regret anything or to worry about me to much. they need the freedom that college provides and i hope they realize that even though we are far away ill always be here cause i don't plan on going anywhere. even though this is the end of one chapter it doesn't mean its the end of our wonderful story. even though times get rough i still love you and that's not going to change. your my best friend and a part of me that i cant do without. your someone i can be myself with and feel i don't have to put on a facade to make you happy you love me for who i am even though i can be extremely annoying but you still care. your like the only one that i feel truly cares about me. if this doesn't work out i still want us to be best friends. but I'm hoping it all works out cause i know i could spend my life with you. well i don't want to get too mushy so ill stop here.

update

omg i have to find a computer whenever i can cause my life sucks! well one person makes it all better yay! i love you austyn!

Birthday...What?!

So yeah no birthday sex happening over here lol. but i did have an amazing day and i got to spend it with an amazing person. i also passed my range test with a B (yay me!!) umm i got like one present from Dominique which i love and i will def use it. um Christine said she'll get me one...or we will..umm yeah... so i saw a little bit of transformers (honestly i wasn't paying attention) it was long but from what i saw it was a pretty good movies. it had a bunch of funny moments. so maybe ill have to go see it again and actually watch it.
um i didn't see a lot of other people today but that's cool ill see you guys sometime before summer is over. oh and I'm moving to Portsmouth tomorrow...grrrr..i really do not want to go but i have to. hopefully it'll be a really nice new place to live. umm i still haven't packed everything so i kinda expect to get fussed out tomorrow by my mom but its all good. well i guess i gotta go since i ran out of stuff to talk about.

apologies

i really really don't feel good about myself right now. i mean i absolutely hate hurting people and that's why i never think of myself. but to make one person happy someone else has to suffer. i feel like I've been going around and around in this circle of a triangle. but to cut off my connection completely was that the best choice? i feel like i cant change it now. they probably regret ever knowing me because i broke their heart. and i don't want that...i want to be with the person i love and have my best friend by my side....but that seems like it'll never work....what do i do? i guess ill talk to her again one day. and maybe everything will be alright. but somewhere deep down i know things will never be the same. all i can say is I'm sorry and i love you best friend because you will still be my best friend. and i didn't mean to hurt you but i finally started thinking about me and with who i wanted i couldn't keep doing what i was. so i stopped it before it went any further and ended up hurting everyone involved. please don't hate me because that is something i wouldn't be able to deal with...

update

Sooo i haven't written anything about my life in a while because i have been obsessed with a story I'm writing(which has now moved to my other blog). anyhoo nothing interesting is really happening except my birthday is in two days. hopefully that means more freedom for me but who's knows? umm my love life is a whole different story that i really don't want to get into but just know that i am happy with life right now. nothing to difficult i can pretty much handle things on my own. plus its summer which is supposed to be stress free. can someone help me get that way?! lol anyway i hope everything straightens itself out because i really don't feel like killing anyone in the next few weeks.

austyn&johnathan

so this kid named Johnathan met this boi named austyn. they became really close friends because austyn was freaking awesome! they both wrote and had a passion for music. they talk everyday and are hard to separate.
when one is down the other picks them up and brushes off all the bad feelings. they are there for each other no matter what. when one goes away they miss each other like crazy. so Johnathan doesn't know what going to happen when austyn goes away to college. but hopefully they will stay close.
one thing that scares them both is thinking about the future. they think about how much they miss each other when they are away for a couple days. but for months on end that will be hard...what are they going to do if they cant see the other,talk,or touch?
some might be confused by their relationship but they see it for what it really is. they wont be labeled in any aspect because they don't fit into the worlds labels.
i think that their lives are forever connected as long as they dont let each other go...just because one is leaving it doesnt mean its the end cause its only the beginning of this story.

lies

what is there to say? i started off with a great subject "lies". it sounds so interesting. i mean do you know how many times i have lied in the past weekend i lied a few minutes ago. but you never know how people are going to react to the true...so you tell them a story. send them on this amazing ride to this imaginary world that only they believe in cause they are too dumb to see whats really going on. or they think your too dumb to figure out that your lying. what i really hate is when you already know the truth and when you ask the person about it they lie. then you sit there feeling like a fool. its idiotic and stupid, i wonder what the world would be like if no one lied. there would probably be good things and bad things but hey everything needs a give and take. good needs bad and heaven needs hell. i bet every single person in this world lies at least once everyday. there is no way you cant,you can take it back and tell the truth later but you still lied.ok my hearts hurt and im tired of this so bye.

b/g

hey...haven't posted anything in a while so I'm taking the time out of my exciting life to talk about how non exciting my life is. so of course I'm having i guess you could say almost relationship problems.i just don't think i need to be with anybody right now.especially someone i care about.so yea...I've been thinking a lot recently just about people in general.what is their problem? the human populace doesn't know what it wants.i don't know what i want so am i human? see? i don't even know what i am...my friend was texting me and she kept say "Janell" i have absolutely no idea who that is. when i told her that it was bothering me she started to call me "Johnathan" it was just such a relief i cant even describe the feeling that came over me when i read that. does that make you question me? it makes me question myself...have you ever felt like the person in the mirror wasn't you? that the life your living isn't yours at all? that's how i feel every single day of my life.I'm just a soul living in this girls body. i hate being in here but i cant change what god decided...i shouldn't look like this my body isn't supposed to be shaped this way,my voice should be different. my name isn't my name...but i have to accept it act like i enjoy it.but i feel like I'm using her...I'm not treating her right...she deserves better.better than this confused soul residing in her brain. mastering her thoughts and movements. using her body for my own personal gain dressing in bigger clothes trying to hide her then switching and exposing her body. though I'm uncomfortable the whole time..but aren't girls supposed to show their cleavage and legs.make people swoon. i have no idea since I'm in this body am i supposed to like being looked at, feign for compliments from the opposite sex? i absolutely hate compliments,they are for her not me and when i actually try to claim this body as my own i hate it its the most disgusting thing i have ever seen in my life.so when someone says "your are so beautiful" it cant be anything but a lie.because i truly don't feel that way and i know that they are complimenting her and not me.maybe if i could dress the way i wanted and not the way people expect me too then ill be happy...no ill still be just a soul hiding in this costume....but i will forever live in here with no escape.someone tell me how to get out i don't think i can take it anymore

yea...so

what should i do? that is the question that nobody wants to answer. especially me,i can't stand that but that is the one question i constantly ask myself but i never have the answer. or i just don't want to recognize it...sucky couple of days oh and guess what i have a freaking doctors appointment on Tuesday(more freaking meds!!!) so yeah i don't know what to do with myself anymore i have to change a lot of things and just get my life straight(ha ha like that could ever happen) anyway my last couple of post have been really short because i don't really want to divulge into my private life. if you know me well enough than you probably know what I'm currently going through,if not then that's your problem not mine.peace

after school special

OK so again i right down (type down) random crap..i just got home from school and yea got lots to talk about.why does everyone care so much about my sexuality i don't care about yours.is it really that interesting that i like females?i don't think so...anyway i just brought that up because someone asked me about it and such at school. now on to more interesting topics in history we have a project where we have to write and perform a 5 minute skit about a current problem. my group is doing the population explosion in India that should be filled with some good stereotypes.yea but hopefully it'll be fun i like writing skits sometimes,which reminds me of another thing i seriously need to start writing again or at least read a book or something.idk reading and writing is like an escape for me i love exploring unknown worlds or laughing at others "peoples" problems.its a good way to escape my own.yea yea im bringing up my crappy life again which actually isn't that bad.i have a lot of good parts that i don't know what i would do without.

enough with that paragraph...so someone once told me that i should stop putting on a front for other people and just be me.i thought about it and they were right but when you live in the costume all day and night its hard to take it off..ill get back to you on that..peace

yes twice in one night

I HATE BEING HERE!!! sorry but that's how i feel i really can't stand living in this place that everyone else calls home.it is like torture to me dealing with an annoying grandmother,a crying baby,a sister i love but can't handle sharing a room with anymore,and two love birds that make me miss the person i want to be with the most.why can't i emancipate myself?is it because i don't suffer from neglect or child abuse...or maybe because i really wouldn't be able to take care of myself and there's nowhere else for me to go.god sometimes i really wish i was back in the psychiatric center.yeah i know you're all "what you were in a psychiatric center?!" yes its not that big a deal.i was depressed and suicidal who isn't? but now I'm on crappy meds and have to talk to a talkative therapist once a month.aren't i the one who is supposed to be expressing myself and talking about my problems? guess she works on a different level then everyone else.yea anyway i guess i should stop complaining over the little things but with how stressed out i am everything seems big right now and i don't know what to do with myself...I'm going to end this now because i need to sleep or something...

the beginning of the end

yea i know this is like the fifth time I've started a blog...but i might actually commit to this.i need a productive and safe way to get out all my hormonal teenage thoughts.though i fell like a twenty year old in reality.that's one thing i wonder about a lot why should age matter its how mature the person is that should e the big issue.age is used as a stereotype just like everything else.the whole world is full of idiotic people that don't take the time to shut up and listen and think.maybe if people did that they would be more accepting of differences...idk you never know sometimes people are just assholes.what are you going to do about it.this is kinda long for me i never really rant this much but its always good to get shit out...oh wait another random thing why is cursing considered bad.i know people say that people who curse don't have a large vocabulary but i think i do.i also just like to curse its a good harmless way to get out frustrations with out punching a douche bag in the face but whatever.I'll let people think what they want.so yea i think this is enough for anyone that cares about my random thoughts to read.