b/g

hey...haven't posted anything in a while so I'm taking the time out of my exciting life to talk about how non exciting my life is. so of course I'm having i guess you could say almost relationship problems.i just don't think i need to be with anybody right now.especially someone i care about.so yea...I've been thinking a lot recently just about people in general.what is their problem? the human populace doesn't know what it wants.i don't know what i want so am i human? see? i don't even know what i am...my friend was texting me and she kept say "Janell" i have absolutely no idea who that is. when i told her that it was bothering me she started to call me "Johnathan" it was just such a relief i cant even describe the feeling that came over me when i read that. does that make you question me? it makes me question myself...have you ever felt like the person in the mirror wasn't you? that the life your living isn't yours at all? that's how i feel every single day of my life.I'm just a soul living in this girls body. i hate being in here but i cant change what god decided...i shouldn't look like this my body isn't supposed to be shaped this way,my voice should be different. my name isn't my name...but i have to accept it act like i enjoy it.but i feel like I'm using her...I'm not treating her right...she deserves better.better than this confused soul residing in her brain. mastering her thoughts and movements. using her body for my own personal gain dressing in bigger clothes trying to hide her then switching and exposing her body. though I'm uncomfortable the whole time..but aren't girls supposed to show their cleavage and legs.make people swoon. i have no idea since I'm in this body am i supposed to like being looked at, feign for compliments from the opposite sex? i absolutely hate compliments,they are for her not me and when i actually try to claim this body as my own i hate it its the most disgusting thing i have ever seen in my life.so when someone says "your are so beautiful" it cant be anything but a lie.because i truly don't feel that way and i know that they are complimenting her and not me.maybe if i could dress the way i wanted and not the way people expect me too then ill be happy...no ill still be just a soul hiding in this costume....but i will forever live in here with no escape.someone tell me how to get out i don't think i can take it anymore