samhain

ok so im interested in this whole thing..im sitting here on Halloween night searching the internet to learn more about this celebrated holiday. reading all the fictional freaky books i do, ive heard about samhain the witches new years but i wanted to know more. so i went to my friend google and typed in samhain..one sight connected the holiday to wiccan's and roman people..ive always been interested in the wiccan religion so i went to my favorite sight ever. religious tolerance.org!!! im going to post a little of what they say on here so i dont have to reiterate it in my own stupid words.

Wicca differs from many other religions by its emphasis on: The feminine as being at least as important as the masculine,
The importance of preserving the environment,
Moral behavior as determined largely by the individual,
Positive attitudes towards human sexuality as a gift of the Goddess, and
The passage of the seasons.

A follower of Wicca is called a Wiccan. Wicca and other Neopagan religions are currently experiencing a rapid growth in the U.S., Canada, and Europe. In the U.S., the number of Wiccans is doubling about every 18 months. Growth is particularly obvious among some teenagers, who are rejecting what they feel is the autocracy, paternalism, sexism, homophobia, and insensitivity to the environment that forms part of the conservative wings of some of the larger religions. Many North Americans of European descent, who are keen to discover their ancestral heritage, are also attracted to this religion.

interesting huh? i like everything about this religion. basically everyone is equal and you respect the earth that takes care of you..very enlightening right? am i going to convert or try to convert others? probably not but i will look into it alot more. i really want to study different religions when i get into college. in doing that i'll get an insight to other people and be able to have an even more tolerant approach.

now back to wicca..people think of it as evil and think that these people are practicing spells to harm and are just crazy chicks with stinky amulets...well....
"Spells are not about turning people into frogs or granting wishes. A spell is a set of actions and prayers that you do and say in order to ask for divine help with some particular aspect of your life." Mnemosyne's Realm
does that change your mind a little?

i looked up on how to become wiccan and its a lot of looking inside yourself. seeing if its right for you. the religion itself is about how you feel and doing what's right for you. i like that thinking. there is no set rules "you do that your evil" or "dont act that way or your going to hell" thats just way to stressful....yeah i kinda want to end this here and come back to this subject when i know more so that's what i will do..peace

what's funny

you know what's funny? i always start a blog asking what's wrong with me? as though i haven't figured out yet...well i really haven't....i kinda just give up..i'm trying to live my life and take the little moments that make me happy and stretch them out to last a while. my living situation isn't horrible...but i kinda wish i wasn't here..but i don't really want to go anywhere else...except away to college where i'll be busy..the thing that sucks the most is that my family doesn't understand me at all. and i kind of gave up on trying to help them to understand..i used to talk to my mom a lot about stuff but now? i keep quiet in car rides and go off into another world...it seems rude but i just have nothing to say. her opinions don't matter to me i honestly don't really care what she thinks of me.
my sister? well i update her on certain things but i have never really confided in her. i don't have the balls to do it. we keep away from each other mostly and just joke around. she's like and annoying "friend" that you see everyday and can't really get rid of. my step-dad..he's never here..and im not comfortable about talking to him...grandma? i don't like her at all so she gets nothing from me. i think its sad that i don't express myself with my family..but what's the point when they don't get it or care to anyway? i'd rather talk to austyn..he gets me..he knows where i'm coming from..he is the only one that can truly make me feel good...i talk about him a lot in this blog...why wouldn't i? he is amazing and i thank god for letting me meet him and get to know him. he has truly changed my life for the better and i hope we can be best friends forever(so gay)anyway..he knows how i feel about him and if he doesn't just read all my past posts to find out..i don't know how many times i've said i love him on here..but i'll end this know before it gets too long...

scream in my ear baby

so...im listening to songs..and i feel like if anyone normal listened to what i listen to their ears would bleed. but me? well i find it very comforting. i like otep and her contrast from soft to just death right in your ears. i like how slipknot doesn't give a shit. and well just everything hard and loud. im sorry that sounds weird but its how i feel. when im down i just blast that shit and feel my heart lifting. i tried to write my own songs but i cant sing or scream. also they seem depressing as fuck but hey im just letting stuff out putting it into word that sound good.
i feel the bass radiate through my head to my heart. my head bangs along and in my mind im just a part of the act. omg people = shit is playing and im loving it.. i get the lyrics out so i know everything im hearing and then i can just sing along...well not really cause if i cursed out loud in here i'd get in trouble..
Kittie is pretty cool too...i love hearing girls scream like a man it sooo damn sexy...um anyway i have a little plan for my whole piercing thing...im gonna blackmail my dad either around Christmas or my birthday. i want to get my tongue and bottom lip done. i think i'll look fucking hot..well i guess we'll see what happens i can;t wait. now let me enjoy my heavy metal in piece.

music&me

you know when you have a song stuck in your head all day. the whole song never plays..well not for me. it's like my brain puts the one most annoying part on repeat. but its the part i absolutely love...idk right now funhouse by pink is stuck in my head and the part that's repeating is "I'm crawling through the doggy door, my key don't fit my lock no more, I'll change the drapes I'll break the plates...I'll find a new place. burn this sucker down." and yeah. so that keeps repeating and i wish i could sing. sometimes i want to sing like pink other times i want to scream like otep. or have that just male tone. i wish i could just change everything become a different person whenever i wanted. then I'd be a very happy person....i could be whoever and whatever i wanted to be. that sounds like a big batch of freedom to me.

i found you

The everyday monotony has broken...because well i found you. i see inside the deepest things anyone has. your eyes opened up mine to a new world. a world full of beauty and no judgement. you care you love and i open myself to it. i couldn't hate you and i never would. finding you sitting in the background no one realizes that your a whole different person when they look past the flesh. but who would want to when that flesh is so tempting so soft so amazing. jolts of electricity find my fingertips as i long to touch that flesh that releases the pain. that longing that feeling that thing i cant put my finger on. but i need to i really want to. i don't mean to be confusing. there's a presence in my mind and i think its you or us combined. something so amazing and...handsome..or beautiful...or just everything. i feel at peace nothing torments my sleeping soul. no hate no anger..just peace. and i will remain that way because..well i found you...

AAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

GOD I JUST FEEL LIKE SCREAMING!!!! im trapped im trapped and i need someone to release me. i really cant do this anymore sitting back in jealously. dude i dont even know what the hell im talking about. i just know that im so confused and the mind is a powerful thing. it will trick you if you let it and that what im doing. it's like someone is whispering terrible things to me. and i can't remove them from my shoulder. i try and try to ignore this person but again they just keep whispering. trying to convert me to believe them and trust them with my sanity. but if i do that then ill fall into the trap like last time. im not going back there. i cant do it i dont wanna hit rock bottom again. im in an amazing place in my life someone loves me and cares. they are there for me when they can be and i do the same for them. we communicate and dont keep secrets. its not perfect but i wouldn't trade our relationship for anything in the world. i really wouldn't i just want happiness for both parties and i hope that that means we get to stay together if not then yeah...lets change the subject. im getting lost in this blog writing something new every chance i get. i cant stop its like the second best release ive ever had. i cant help it.. getting these thoughts out stops them from running around in my head. i dont have to think as much i can just relax and try to catch those little seconds when i can have a conversation with my love. yeah i said it like that and i honestly dont give a flying fuck what anyone thinks. its me and him and that all that matters. peace

ok...

umm i seem a little dramatic dont you think. sorry i just like acting stuff out in my head. i saw that whole things. gosh there are so mant ideas in this head. they want to be free to roam about and let the world know they exsit...sorry little ideas but sometimes your kinda impossible but i try i try really hard. i have this idea that keeps flashing in my mind..its just a piture of a girl int the dark screaming but the way it looks in y head it speaks so loudly. i dont know who owuld let me take a pic of them naked wild hair screaming.. anyone? plus i dont even have a camara...anyone wanne give me one of those? im such a begger i need a job but yeah its hard to find one when everyone else is looking for one too...im also looking for money for college..now that scares me its something i want so badly that i feel like it wont happen. but im working my but off so it does. i need this and i want this. i will lie steal cheat anything to reach this goal. ok well i probably won't go to that extreme but you never know. ok anthor thing about the picture, she is in a corner huddled and covering all the naughty bits..then she starts attacking in the next pic. sorry its lik a freaking slideshow in here. ive been trying to write more about daryn but he has dissappeared..if anyone sees him beg him to come back to me. devon and jesse they are too into their problems and i cant help right now so no more is on hold for the moment. i can tell you that jesse is extremely hurt but she isnt going anywhere.
i kinda wanted to start something new but no one has inroduced themselves. they dont really want their business in the streets and i can understand that. i mean who would? omg i just realized that this is a wonderful way for me to clear my mind! yay me i have so moan y spellung mistakes in here but you people know what i mean..well i hope. oh snap! i need to take my meds..i did yay me! so know i should do some real work. but jaden keeps distracting me he's so cute but bad as all get out. im soo weird but i love it. so ill talk to this blog later PEACE BITCHES!!!

hey this is johnathan. whats up? im just sitting here listening to music on pandora and thinking. has anyone just sat and thought? lets those thoughts pour out of them into words. words that only some people can understand. well if they try to...sometimes you cant really get all those things out and sometime it spills out like water from and overflowing cup. me? well i have problems..ill admit that..and only that. you never know what type of people read this posts...so im going to be careful keep my thoughts in this little brain. lock up the feelings and keep them there. some would say thats not the best thing but hey they dont know me.. sometimes it seems like they never will. crap i let something out i need to stop before i talk about love. i wanna be a man i end up being a wuss.. NO! stop im not letting these things out no one can help me no one would want to. maybe i should stop typing but i feel as if im not in control of my fingers they moved so fast on the keyboard. slipknot blaring my ears telling me to be a man but i cant i wasnt born that way! STOP! i cant stop these thoughts!!!