Fuck you technology!!

YES i hate you you stupid piece of crap. Ive been looking for a laptop for college for about a month now. and today i decided to tackle to task so im online searching endlessly for a good laptop that is inexpensive. funny thing is THOSE DONT EXIST!!! yeah so if you want a laptop that actually works you have to spend a fucking arm and leg just to get it. but guess what electronics world im poor. also on a side note is it that bad that i want to have a webcam just so i can keep up with my youtube account and maybe have some fun at college. god fuck my life. this is so ridiculous. i dont even care that much for them except that they help me communicate with people that dont hate me like the rest of the world does. ugh! im super pissed and annoyed and will turn this rant into a video later for my youtube channel that NO ONE WATCHES! just like no one reads this piece of shit...and if you do but you are following me anonymously FUCK YOU TOO your making me feel like shit comment or something goddamn. this is so stupid i just want a decent computer that has wifi, webcam, windows 7, a good amount of space, optical drive, microphone. usb ports, and all that other good shit. you know what ill say it again FUUUUUUUUCK MY LIFE!!!

2/7/2010

I haven't posted anything in a while and its not because im busy its just that i haven't had the urge to say anything. usually im ranting aimlessly or just giving updates. what's going on i have no idea. life isn't great but it isn't extremely bad either. i just floating in the sea of jay. idk its a little ridiculous. the new semester of school has started and i promised myself that i was going to be more focused and do better. im trying but with one class i know im gonna just go completely crazy. ALGEBRA 2! ive never been good at math it just isnt my thing. but i essentially get through it after all. maybe that will happen again. ill just get people to pray for me. well that is all. good bye

Whoop de fucking doo

that is all i have to say...fuck the snow im not having a good day.

01/25/2010

that last post was an angry one, sorry about that even though no one reads this. i keep listening to these songs that make me wish i was in a relationship but then i think about it and if i cant be with the person i want i dont really want anyone. its not like im not open to relationships but the people i meet they dont get me and i dont think they want to. im a difficult person and i do apologize for that. ive been going through some hards times and i still am. i just need someone that understand what its like to be me and how much things affect me. ive been trying so hard to not let things get to me and its working. but sometimes it gets hard and im down for the count.. if you cant be the person to talk some sense into me then i dont think i can deal with you. i think ive just been spoiled by my friends (especially my best friend) but they actually get me at times and help me out. if only i could be with someone like them. for now im done with even thinking about dating because obviously no one wants me. which can bring my self esteem down. i think im the type of person that belongs in the friend stage. thats where im needed and can be useful. plus i think with that there will be stress and stuff and i need to get myself together before i deal with someone else. main thing is i..nvm i cant talk about that now

1/21/2010

im not ok right now. i dont know what is wrong exactly but today is just not my day. i want to be happy and not tired and just feel joy. i can't feel anything, no one wants to talk to me no one cares. im trying my best not to spiral down into the pit of darkness that i just dragged myself out of. i cant go back there but its hard to stop it. i so want to talk to him but at some points it seems pointless, and other times im just too scared. i want this school year to be over and i want to leave. i cant stay here any more and be happy with myself.
i breaking of relationships with people left and right..i dont know if thats the right thing to do but i dont need these people in my life. they have not treated me right so they do not deserve to be a part of my life. i just wish they would get the idea and leave me alone. im trying to let people into my life more but it seems as if they are resisting maybe i should take the hint and leave them alone.
im tired of people outing me to the whole world. yes i do like females but if i didnt tell that person maybe i dont want them to know something personal about me. so shut your mouth about my orientation. because you honestly dont really understand what i like who i like and how i feel about myself.
i guess thats all i have to say because im tired and on the verge of tears.

I'm just...

I'm way past tired, i don't even know if i can do this anymore. Sometimes im fine and things are going great but other times it hits me like a ton of bricks. And im just plummeting into sadness,
i just dont even know how to live with it anymore. I thought i was done and that i had let go but i haven't and i dont know if i ever will. It's not like im not trying i honestly am, im trying so hard to just forgive and forget but its not working. i don't know what this mean for me, will i always have to live ripped apart by this (and yes im being overly dramatic) or will things just fall into place without my knowing.
What do i do about shawnda? i dont think she loves me anymore..i get the sudden urge to say it to her but i know it would be a lie. i can't do that to her i appreciate her way to much. she keeps me company and is just there whenever i need some communication and i dont want to bother anyone else. but im dragging it along im making her think i like her more than i do when its just...i dont even know what it is. i can't write anymore..i'll be back another time.

HAPPY DAY!

Today is the day that i have been blessed! i now have my double compression shirt from underworks! and that is all. good bye

hello coping skill!
well i saw amelia the other day(therapist) and she thinks im on a good track im going through life happy. im pretty proud of myself because i have stopped worrying about everyone else. they dont matter to me and they really dont affect my life. well i got distracted and cant write anything else later guys!

rant (with important message)

So my grandma and her new boyfriend are over here and we are all supposed to be meeting him. I am on the computer and the boys(chaz,marc,and lil chaz) are off in a different room playing xbox. I have realized that i have a very anti social family. i have no problem with that though im not really into meeting new people in my families lives. but i love meeting random people and creating new bonds with them. it's not like i trust those people with dark secrets or anything i just think its nice to meet someone new every once in a while.
i opened this web page not really knowing what i was going to write, i guess ill just rant because no one really reads this anyway its really a form of coping a new therapy skill that im trying to put to good use. ive been feeling pretty good the only times that i am down are when i feel sick or have a headache or something. my life has been going pretty well i dont have a lot of drama and everyone around me seems to be doing well.
this is my own personal journal lol.
i dont know what to do with myself..
another thing is that i have stopped worrying about relationships and love and all that. yes i do participate in cynicism but its all in good fun. love is a beautiful thing and should never be squandered. its nothing to play with though. like people using the word lightly or all willy nilly. its important and helps to hold people together. my message is basically to think hard and long before you even think of using those three words. because when you say them they will mean the world to the person you said it to..

time for an update

-yesterday was christmas and it was an eventful day
-i got a new phone, a book, and other stuff
-gave a friend a present
-met new people
-watched precious
-hung with my sister, my nephew, and her boyfriend
-talked to a bunch of friends
-got fussed out
-put up a little food
-watched stepbrothers
-ready for bed

short dumb poem

i can't wait to be realeased
from this prison that is my home
can i really claim my hometown?
without mind vomit
sorry for the visual
i want to leave and be free
even under their company

i have finally finished my short story NO MORE if you want to read it go to http://thisstoryistold.blogspot.com/ and ill probably put it on here full length

lovers

so..i remember that day. do you? you know when you took my hand and walked with me? oh...you..well i guess you don't remember. wow i really thought you would. i mean it was pretty special to me. i could barely breath with your hand on mine. oh and then we kissed i swear i went into shock from the power radiating from your lips. so soft and perfect. i just want to feel them again...how they rubbed against my neck parted and kiss me..tinged with coldness from the ice water you just drank...sending shivers down my spine. but the heat burning inside burned away the cold. i envisioned us entwined in a lover's embrace. hearts and breath perfectly in tune..as we became one..yearning to be even closer, my hand finds yours and everything seems clearer...i knew we were meant to be two star crossed lovers that could never be torn apart distance nor death could remove your heart from mine or vice versa. this was his will and who are we to ignore it. quietly we reached the point of no return and in silence we wept our tears of happiness

attention!!

i have come to the realization that i have no tolerance for stupid, loud, ignorant people. they do not have my respect and never will. if you come to me with that bullshit i will either fuss you out or punch you in the fucking face.
I'm not angry right now but i felt that that needed to be said.

cassie

to the outside world her willingness is apparant and her weakness is known. she tries to hide behind a head held high but everyone could see the sadness and heartbreak within her fragile body. she was just aching for someone to come save her from the nightmare that was her life. she felt abandoned like no one knew her..even though she was transparent and people could see through to her very soul.
but when they looked inside it was barren. feelings retracted and buried under behind a wall a thousand feet high. no one could get over it but all could see through. no one understood why she didnt let anyone in..what was the point of keeping others out when you wore youre emotions and thoughts very clearly?
anyone with the right tools could pinpoint how she was feeling and once they did she pulled back. warned them that it wasnt safe, she knew that she was dangerous and that anyone that got close would experience something terrible. she couldn't hurt anyone else, she just couldn't repeat the things that had already happened when she kill someone with their emoitions...

dreaded writer's block

ok so i have been trying to write a poem or a story for a while now...but i just can't. either i have terrible ideas or no ideas at all. i feel so unimaginative and just crappy (well not really but the writer in me does). i just wanna write. i want the words and conversations to flow out of me. but i dont want another love story or tragic life turned good. it's all so predictable i want something new and exciting. and just utterly amazing. does anyone have any ideas? i would love to hear them and yeah..im begging for help here people!

It's time...

So I have come to the conclusion that it is time. It's time to stop all of this foolishness, it isn't getting me anywhere. I need to start taking care of myself and stop letting my emotions get to me. When I do that it doesn't help anything, so it is time. Time for me to take responsibility for my actions and to do better. I am sorry to all those i have hurt and worried with my actions. I hope you all forgive me.

turkey day

So tomorrow is the day where we celebrate the demise of the native american population. and how do we do it? we stuff our mouths with fattening food and watch football! well at least some of us do...me? i have never really like thanksgiving. im not all for family togetherness it only leads to loud awkward conversations that i dont want to be apart of. so tomorrow ill probably be sitting in my room hiding out and texting shawnda or anyone else that wants to talk to me. i might go to my grandmothers house and connect with other family members. but ill mostly be by myself which isnt really that big of a problem. umm i advise people with cars and such to hit me up and we can have a blast together lol. so happy turkey day!!

IM NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!

ok so. i still have my inner child and it is in the form of CHOWDER!! i love this show sooo freaking much it is hilarious! and i think chowder is the cutest thing i have ever seen!! i love the art too and how the patterns move along with the character. it is like the best show ever!! if i was in it i would definitely be chowder...or shnitzel or panini hee hee!! whooo!

yeah...

so...im just thinking about everything. my life is going pretty good and i feel almost normal. i told Dr.levy that i would talk to someone and make sure everything is ok. but now that i think about it...i dont want to...im scared and i think my problems arent important..plus things will be changing soon soo why bother? all i really want to do is write and what's depressing is that i have no one in my head...they dont have any stories to tell. i want to get away from my depressing genre of abuse and mental disorders and shitty relationship. but i suck at science fiction and fantasy. maybe i could do a yu+me kinda thing..with dream love and everything. but i dont know how to do that. i need my muse..but grr its so annoying. i sit in school and try to concentrate but my hands want to write. my many thoughts want to express themselves on the canvas that is notebook paper. i tried to force dayrn to let me in but things didnt go to well...he keeps blacking out and i just cant get to him. jesse and devon (i think i favor d and j names) they are just way too happy so involved in each other. there is nothing to tell. basically they made up and are just together. devon hasnt even thought about her abusive past. things are going great for her.who else is there? johnathan and rachel? well tey are in heaven happy and forever soul mates. i do want to use pictures and photo shop to express their story in a different way but i have to wait to do that. um some other characters that i had just disappeared and i miss them so much. i feel bad that their stories are left unfinished. i just wish someone new would come along with something happy to talk about and with a good sense of life and love.