I'm just...

I'm way past tired, i don't even know if i can do this anymore. Sometimes im fine and things are going great but other times it hits me like a ton of bricks. And im just plummeting into sadness,
i just dont even know how to live with it anymore. I thought i was done and that i had let go but i haven't and i dont know if i ever will. It's not like im not trying i honestly am, im trying so hard to just forgive and forget but its not working. i don't know what this mean for me, will i always have to live ripped apart by this (and yes im being overly dramatic) or will things just fall into place without my knowing.
What do i do about shawnda? i dont think she loves me anymore..i get the sudden urge to say it to her but i know it would be a lie. i can't do that to her i appreciate her way to much. she keeps me company and is just there whenever i need some communication and i dont want to bother anyone else. but im dragging it along im making her think i like her more than i do when its just...i dont even know what it is. i can't write anymore..i'll be back another time.