yeah...

so...im just thinking about everything. my life is going pretty good and i feel almost normal. i told Dr.levy that i would talk to someone and make sure everything is ok. but now that i think about it...i dont want to...im scared and i think my problems arent important..plus things will be changing soon soo why bother? all i really want to do is write and what's depressing is that i have no one in my head...they dont have any stories to tell. i want to get away from my depressing genre of abuse and mental disorders and shitty relationship. but i suck at science fiction and fantasy. maybe i could do a yu+me kinda thing..with dream love and everything. but i dont know how to do that. i need my muse..but grr its so annoying. i sit in school and try to concentrate but my hands want to write. my many thoughts want to express themselves on the canvas that is notebook paper. i tried to force dayrn to let me in but things didnt go to well...he keeps blacking out and i just cant get to him. jesse and devon (i think i favor d and j names) they are just way too happy so involved in each other. there is nothing to tell. basically they made up and are just together. devon hasnt even thought about her abusive past. things are going great for her.who else is there? johnathan and rachel? well tey are in heaven happy and forever soul mates. i do want to use pictures and photo shop to express their story in a different way but i have to wait to do that. um some other characters that i had just disappeared and i miss them so much. i feel bad that their stories are left unfinished. i just wish someone new would come along with something happy to talk about and with a good sense of life and love.

she's fighting...she wont let go...LET GO!!! stop making a fool out of yourself. you look stupid. ha! now your crying..your so weak...your to blame for everything. SHUT UP!! your whimpering will get you nowhere. cant you see no one gives a shit about you. you don't matter your nothing. even when you thought you were something..you weren't you will always be a nothing. and no one will ever care about you. you still crying...stop acting like a little bitch. stand up on your on two feet and make something out of yourself. stop wallowing in self pity and stop caring about others. FUCK THEM!! they aren't going to pick you up when your down. you only have yourself..no one else matters. its all about you. fuck the world love yourself..

future tattoos

TREBLE BASS CLEFT HEART SHOWS HOW MUCH MUSIC INFLUENCES MY LIFE AND HOW MUCH I LOVE IT I DON'T THINK I COULD LIVE WITHOUT MUSIC. IT BRIGHTENS MY DAY HELPS ME TO BE CREATIVE AND LETS ME LET GO OF ALL MY PRESSURES.

THE NAUTICAL STAR IS A SYMBOL OF BEING ON THE RIGHT PATH IN LIFE. IT CAN ALSO BE SAID AS SOMETHING USED FOR PROTECTION. I LIKE THE SYMBOLISM IN THE NAUTICAL STAR.

THE PENTAGRAM IS A WICCA SYMBOL BUT IT STANDS FOR THE FIVE ELEMENT AIR EARTH FIRE WATER AND SPIRIT. I FEEL THAT ALL OF THOSE THINGS GREATLY INFLUENCE OUR LIVES AND I WANT TO REPRESENT THEM ON MY BODY. (i am not wiccan but i respect their religion)

THE BARBED WIRE SHOWS STRUGGLE AND NOT HAVING FREEDOM. PLUS I THINK IT LOOKS AWESOME I HAVEN'T DECIDED IF I WANT IT IN A RAINBOW YET BUT THAT IS A POSSIBILITY.

really?

i found the most disgusting thing ever. its called www.godhatesfags.com. ARE YOU SERIOUS?! i really cant believe that. i mean i know people suck but really? i know that the internet is a place to express yourself and your opnion but thats just disgusting. those "christians" should be ashamed of themselves. i wanted to cry seeing all their bullshit they protest high schools because of gsa's? what is wrong with you people you seriously need help and to learn how to be a better christisn assholes.

gender

ok so i dont think i'll ever really decide between boy or girl. im obviously not that comfortable being a "girl" and i feel a lot better when people recognize me as a boy. makes jay very happy. anyway so i guess you could call me genderqueer especially with the clothing choices i make..nah just playing. gender is all about how you feel inside not what in between your legs. i mean really its an insignificant piece of skin not that important.
sometimes i want to have people confused like asking in their minds "what is it?" but then again people would actually ask and i'd reply "does it matter?" i wanna pass as johnathan though cause he is a sexy beast. i dont wanna put everything in little boxes but i would rather be with a person like myself because first they would get me and second its sexy a fuck.
im getting tired now and can't really think that much i'll update this convo later and really get into the whole gender crisis thing. peace out homedogs!!

good news

so my life is going pretty well right now. i dont know what changed but im glad it did. i guess when i talked to one of my friends about some stuff it just made everything better. so essentially im happy, im having fun at school (even though people do hate me) and im doing well in my grades. im proud of myself and even though i miss my best buddy its ok cause we still talk and im def not going to let us drift apart. that would be ridiculous. i just wanted to update my little journal cause this is basically what this blog is for me. i use it to get out certain things and just as something to do when im bored. my nephew is being so loud so im gonna go play with him and end this here. adios

samhain

ok so im interested in this whole thing..im sitting here on Halloween night searching the internet to learn more about this celebrated holiday. reading all the fictional freaky books i do, ive heard about samhain the witches new years but i wanted to know more. so i went to my friend google and typed in samhain..one sight connected the holiday to wiccan's and roman people..ive always been interested in the wiccan religion so i went to my favorite sight ever. religious tolerance.org!!! im going to post a little of what they say on here so i dont have to reiterate it in my own stupid words.

Wicca differs from many other religions by its emphasis on: The feminine as being at least as important as the masculine,
The importance of preserving the environment,
Moral behavior as determined largely by the individual,
Positive attitudes towards human sexuality as a gift of the Goddess, and
The passage of the seasons.

A follower of Wicca is called a Wiccan. Wicca and other Neopagan religions are currently experiencing a rapid growth in the U.S., Canada, and Europe. In the U.S., the number of Wiccans is doubling about every 18 months. Growth is particularly obvious among some teenagers, who are rejecting what they feel is the autocracy, paternalism, sexism, homophobia, and insensitivity to the environment that forms part of the conservative wings of some of the larger religions. Many North Americans of European descent, who are keen to discover their ancestral heritage, are also attracted to this religion.

interesting huh? i like everything about this religion. basically everyone is equal and you respect the earth that takes care of you..very enlightening right? am i going to convert or try to convert others? probably not but i will look into it alot more. i really want to study different religions when i get into college. in doing that i'll get an insight to other people and be able to have an even more tolerant approach.

now back to wicca..people think of it as evil and think that these people are practicing spells to harm and are just crazy chicks with stinky amulets...well....
"Spells are not about turning people into frogs or granting wishes. A spell is a set of actions and prayers that you do and say in order to ask for divine help with some particular aspect of your life." Mnemosyne's Realm
does that change your mind a little?

i looked up on how to become wiccan and its a lot of looking inside yourself. seeing if its right for you. the religion itself is about how you feel and doing what's right for you. i like that thinking. there is no set rules "you do that your evil" or "dont act that way or your going to hell" thats just way to stressful....yeah i kinda want to end this here and come back to this subject when i know more so that's what i will do..peace