always loving

im always loving you..your continously on my mind..always making me smile even when i want to cry...im always loving you..fantazing about all the naughty things you do..my hearts beats and my hands shake..baby no matter what im always loving you..do what you want but im not leaving cause like i said im always always forever loving you.

school

so school starts tomorrow...and im not all that excited about it. i have this really bad feeling about going back to school. plus i just want high school to be over with , one main reason is that im getting really tired of being here. i want and really need freedom i feel like i trapped in a box and everyone surrounding the box doesn't care. well they care but i dont know. i have started taking my meds again because im trying to take responsibility for myself. plus i need to start to take care of myself so i am allowed to go away to college. i really really miss my boifriend and thats another reason why i want this year to go by fast. the summer was ok but i just want to go to school and get my senior year over with. but im going to need help i procrastinate and get distracted so all the people out there that care please keep me focused and kick my ass when i need it. i would appreciate that, also please be understanding and tolerant of everyone i do not need and drama this year. its my senior year and i want it to be great so if you got shit you want to say to me say it and get it over with. if you dont like me i really dont care. if you dont approve of my lifestyle you dont have to cause its my life. but you need to know that im still the same person you first met just cooler. just be cool and let me know whats going on. class of 2010!

Daryn

"What's wrong?" Jo asked shaking my shoulder.

"Oh..uh nothing I'm fine." I ran my fingers over my short curly hair.

"Dude your lying." Jo fluffed my hair and walked away. I felt like crying but that wasn't possible. I couldn't show weakness,I had to be strong.

"Daryn! Come on let's go." laughing at Jo i stood up and walked across the street. "Omg Daryn! check out that hottie in the black shorts."

"Jo stop staring, people are going to start calling the police on your horny ass." Jo laughed but kept staring.

"Man i need a sexy special someone."

"Yeah don't we all." I sighed and walked into the store for some blacks.

"Daryn you really should stop smoking."

"Why? I only do it every once in a while,only when I'm stressed."

"Which is all the fucking time. Do something productive, like writing or working out."

"Whatever man." I lite up and walked away puffing happily

Jo didn't like to be around me when i smoked. Something about not anting to die from extreme smoke inhalation. It was ok though, I liked having time to myself. I got to reflect on all the shit that stresses me out. Like the odd look the cashier gave me at the store. But i guess i should be used to that. He was even more surprised when i opened my mouth and began to speak but whatever.

I found a quiet spot in the woods to sit and smoke. i took out my mp3 player and started blasting some heavy metal. "If only i had some weed. Then it would be a party." sitting there listening to music made the others show up. I was in a good mood so i politely said hi to each. The heavy metal excited Jacob and Stacy. They started singing along and rocking out pissing off everyone else.

"Damn! Daryn turn that shit off. Jacob and Stacy are acting like fucking idiots." Brian said. Stacy gave Brian the evil eye and turned the music up louder.

"Yeah Stacy fuck the system!" Jacob yelled banging his head and dancing happily. Brian sighed and tried to have an intelligent conversation with Don. They got frustrated when they couldn't completely block out the music.

"We'll just talk later. Bye Daryn." They said in unison leaving Jacob and Stacy.

"Daryn! Come on man don't let them ruin our fun!" Stacy said.

"Yeah." Jacob sat next to me and patted my shoulder,"Where's the weed dude?"

"I don't have any." They gasped and stared at me.

"Why not?" Stacy asked.

"Cause i didn't buy any. Plus i was hanging out with Jo today."

"Eww,why?Jo is so fucking boring."

"Yeah you should hang with us more." Jacob said.

"Jacob I'm not trying to get high and party everyday. I got shit to deal with." Stacy groaned ."Shit! Lets go Jacob. Daryn's getting serous...party's over." They left me as my mood came crashing down. I turned off they music and threw the speaker.

My cell phone vibrated in my pocket. It was my mom,probably calling about my meds.

"Yes?"

"Where are you?" she asked quietly.

"I'm in the woods."

"What?! ugh never mind. just get your ass back here now."

"Yeah ok mom." I hung up and flicked the black further into the woods. I picked up the speaker and left the woods walking home.

"Hey Jo."

"Hey Daryn, mom's drunk?"

"Yep, she orders me to come home to take care of her." "Yeah well I'll help you out if you need it."

"Jo you weren't even there when Jacob and Stacy were pissing me off." i shook my head"You always show up when things are fucked up but you never help out. Just leave me alone!" I walked away but i could still feel Jo hanging around like a fucking tumor.

I got home and slammed the door trying to get rid of Jo.

"Daryn! Come here!" my mom yelled from her room.I peeked my head into her room and was disgusted by what i saw.

"Daryn this is Toby. Now I need you to clean up all this shit." she pointed to the empty bottles on the bed and floor.

"And you need me to do this now? While your fucking some stranger?" she got out of her bed and slapped me.

"You do what i ask when i ask. I don't need to hear your judgemental bullshit. Now clean up." Jo was right behind me saying everything was ok. I thought that Jo should shut the fuck up and go away.

After i cleaned her room trying to block out the moans i walked out and closed her door.

"Daryn!" she called

"What?!" I screamed.

"Don't yell at me, you have an appointment tomorrow at 12:00. If you miss it your ass isn't leaving this house ever."

"Alright."

"Everyone go away!" I slammed my door and screamed into my pillow.

"Calm down Daryn." Brian said "We're here to help."

"Fuck you!" I screamed. Jo lay next to me and started to rub my back.

"Everything is ok we are all here fr you."

"No! You all are the ones causing the problems."

"Dude you know that's not true." Jacob said. I couldn't take it anymore, each one was talking getting louder clouding my mind. I took out my knife and started cutting. With each gash another voice left me. I lay there arms bleeding head aching.

"Daryn...I'm still here for you." Jo said quietly. No matter what i did i could never get rid of Jo. Jo has always been there always.

"Good morning sunshine."

"Fuck you Jo."

"That wasn't very nice."

"Well i don't really give a shit."

"Hey don't forget to take your meds."

"It's not like they do anything anyway."

"Don't argue just take them."

"Did I say 'Fuck you Jo' already?"

"Yes you did."

"Ok well just let that replay in your mind over and over again so i don't waste my breath." I left Jo in my room while I showered and got ready for the day. But the quiet time never lasted long.

"Daryn?"

"Grr...yes Jo?"

"Please take your medicine.: I cursed under my breath and nodded my head. I took the many medications and made sure Jo knew about it.

Careless whisper started playing in my head which made me think of Amber. I hadn't talked to her in a while and i kinda missed it. But ever since I got out of the hospital she never came around. I think I got rid of her permanently When I tried to slit my throat. I rubbed the scar on my neck and started to hum careless whisper. It was Amber's favorite song, so it used to always play in the back of my mind.

I couldn't stop thinking about her, Amber was around before Jo. I really did miss her and her soft soothing voice.

"I want her back!" I yelled.

"Amber is not coming back Daryn." Jo said calmly. I looked in the mirror and saw the tear before I felt it. My hand made contact with the glass. Little pieces fell into the sink. The blood trailed down to the cuts on my arm.

"Make sure you clean that up. You don't need an infection." Jo said.

"Omg! Do you ever just shut the fuck up?!"

"I guess not."

I cleaned up and took a walk blasting music into my ears to drown out the noise.

"Sorry to interrupt but it's almost 12:00. You have a doctor's appointment." Ash said. Ash was polite and quiet so i always listened. Ash didn't annoy me like the others.

"Did Jo tell you to remind me?"

"Yes." i sighed deeply.

"ok I'll go to my appointment."

"Thank you Daryn."

"No problem Ash."

off the top of my head

ok so i haven't really expressed myself in a while. its not my fault that i don't have a computer anymore. i miss typing and searching for random things on the Internet. i miss myspace and i tried facebook but i decided ill wait till i get to college since that's the whole point of facebook.
well life is treating me well and i haven't really had any problems lately. i wish i could get out more to see a special someone because i miss them like crazy. but i know i should just get used to it since they are leaving really really soon. it'll be hard but i think i have to try my best to be strong. i don't want them to regret anything or to worry about me to much. they need the freedom that college provides and i hope they realize that even though we are far away ill always be here cause i don't plan on going anywhere. even though this is the end of one chapter it doesn't mean its the end of our wonderful story. even though times get rough i still love you and that's not going to change. your my best friend and a part of me that i cant do without. your someone i can be myself with and feel i don't have to put on a facade to make you happy you love me for who i am even though i can be extremely annoying but you still care. your like the only one that i feel truly cares about me. if this doesn't work out i still want us to be best friends. but I'm hoping it all works out cause i know i could spend my life with you. well i don't want to get too mushy so ill stop here.

update

omg i have to find a computer whenever i can cause my life sucks! well one person makes it all better yay! i love you austyn!

Birthday...What?!

So yeah no birthday sex happening over here lol. but i did have an amazing day and i got to spend it with an amazing person. i also passed my range test with a B (yay me!!) umm i got like one present from Dominique which i love and i will def use it. um Christine said she'll get me one...or we will..umm yeah... so i saw a little bit of transformers (honestly i wasn't paying attention) it was long but from what i saw it was a pretty good movies. it had a bunch of funny moments. so maybe ill have to go see it again and actually watch it.
um i didn't see a lot of other people today but that's cool ill see you guys sometime before summer is over. oh and I'm moving to Portsmouth tomorrow...grrrr..i really do not want to go but i have to. hopefully it'll be a really nice new place to live. umm i still haven't packed everything so i kinda expect to get fussed out tomorrow by my mom but its all good. well i guess i gotta go since i ran out of stuff to talk about.

apologies

i really really don't feel good about myself right now. i mean i absolutely hate hurting people and that's why i never think of myself. but to make one person happy someone else has to suffer. i feel like I've been going around and around in this circle of a triangle. but to cut off my connection completely was that the best choice? i feel like i cant change it now. they probably regret ever knowing me because i broke their heart. and i don't want that...i want to be with the person i love and have my best friend by my side....but that seems like it'll never work....what do i do? i guess ill talk to her again one day. and maybe everything will be alright. but somewhere deep down i know things will never be the same. all i can say is I'm sorry and i love you best friend because you will still be my best friend. and i didn't mean to hurt you but i finally started thinking about me and with who i wanted i couldn't keep doing what i was. so i stopped it before it went any further and ended up hurting everyone involved. please don't hate me because that is something i wouldn't be able to deal with...