Whoop de fucking doo

that is all i have to say...fuck the snow im not having a good day.

01/25/2010

that last post was an angry one, sorry about that even though no one reads this. i keep listening to these songs that make me wish i was in a relationship but then i think about it and if i cant be with the person i want i dont really want anyone. its not like im not open to relationships but the people i meet they dont get me and i dont think they want to. im a difficult person and i do apologize for that. ive been going through some hards times and i still am. i just need someone that understand what its like to be me and how much things affect me. ive been trying so hard to not let things get to me and its working. but sometimes it gets hard and im down for the count.. if you cant be the person to talk some sense into me then i dont think i can deal with you. i think ive just been spoiled by my friends (especially my best friend) but they actually get me at times and help me out. if only i could be with someone like them. for now im done with even thinking about dating because obviously no one wants me. which can bring my self esteem down. i think im the type of person that belongs in the friend stage. thats where im needed and can be useful. plus i think with that there will be stress and stuff and i need to get myself together before i deal with someone else. main thing is i..nvm i cant talk about that now

1/21/2010

im not ok right now. i dont know what is wrong exactly but today is just not my day. i want to be happy and not tired and just feel joy. i can't feel anything, no one wants to talk to me no one cares. im trying my best not to spiral down into the pit of darkness that i just dragged myself out of. i cant go back there but its hard to stop it. i so want to talk to him but at some points it seems pointless, and other times im just too scared. i want this school year to be over and i want to leave. i cant stay here any more and be happy with myself.
i breaking of relationships with people left and right..i dont know if thats the right thing to do but i dont need these people in my life. they have not treated me right so they do not deserve to be a part of my life. i just wish they would get the idea and leave me alone. im trying to let people into my life more but it seems as if they are resisting maybe i should take the hint and leave them alone.
im tired of people outing me to the whole world. yes i do like females but if i didnt tell that person maybe i dont want them to know something personal about me. so shut your mouth about my orientation. because you honestly dont really understand what i like who i like and how i feel about myself.
i guess thats all i have to say because im tired and on the verge of tears.

I'm just...

I'm way past tired, i don't even know if i can do this anymore. Sometimes im fine and things are going great but other times it hits me like a ton of bricks. And im just plummeting into sadness,
i just dont even know how to live with it anymore. I thought i was done and that i had let go but i haven't and i dont know if i ever will. It's not like im not trying i honestly am, im trying so hard to just forgive and forget but its not working. i don't know what this mean for me, will i always have to live ripped apart by this (and yes im being overly dramatic) or will things just fall into place without my knowing.
What do i do about shawnda? i dont think she loves me anymore..i get the sudden urge to say it to her but i know it would be a lie. i can't do that to her i appreciate her way to much. she keeps me company and is just there whenever i need some communication and i dont want to bother anyone else. but im dragging it along im making her think i like her more than i do when its just...i dont even know what it is. i can't write anymore..i'll be back another time.

HAPPY DAY!

Today is the day that i have been blessed! i now have my double compression shirt from underworks! and that is all. good bye